David Ross -- Quips

An unorganized collection of wry humor, short comments on politics, jabs at commercials, predictions, et cetera. This page is always being updated , with new entries at the beginning. There is no table of contents.

Not everything here is original with me. Those items that are marked with © are original, and I own the copyright. Those items that indicate contributed by might not be original creations of the contributors.

There was the couple waiting for their luggage in a Florida airport when they noticed a man who was dressed in very heavy clothing. Wondering where he was from the husband went up to the gentleman and asked "Pardon me sir, but do you mine telling me where you're from?"

The man replied "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The other man thanked him and walked back to his wife.

His wife then asked "So, where's he from"?

To which the man replied "I don't know, he doesn't speak English"

Contributed by my daughter Heather,
who lives in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.

I've noticed that more and more restrooms in such public places as shopping malls and restaurants have replaced paper towels with hot air blowers. The claim is that the blowers — by reducing the demand for wood pulp and reducing trash that goes to landfills — are good for the environment.

I have several problems with these hot air blowers:

There is an environmental cost for the electricity that runs them.
On a hot summer day, after cooling off by washing my face, the last thing I want on my face is a blast of hot air.
My eyeglasses are indeed glass. When I wash them, drying them with a blower leaves water spots. I want to wipe them with a paper towel.
How do I use a blower to dab water on my shirt to clean off food? How then do I dry my shirt without heat that might set a stain?

I've been shopping for a new gas barbecue. The old one — now about 12-13 years old — is showing its age. The burner needs a good cleaning or replacing, but I can't figure out how to detach it. The firebox has warped from repeated heating, causing the cooking grids to drop onto the ceramic briquettes.

I merely want to replace the barbecue that I have with a similar unit. It has two burners, which have always been enough. Today, the average gas barbecue seems to have four or more burners. All the barbecues that I had at this house — where I've lived for over 34 years — sat on posts that were firmly fastened to the concrete patio. The store where I bought my old barbecue no longer sells any with posts. Now, barbecues come with carts large enough for a person to use as a bedroom.

This afternoon, I visited a nearby appliance store that sells gas barbecues. The salesman showed me one of their smaller models. I told him that it would be quite suitable if I were running a catering service.

The problem is not just barbecues. Many products that were quite good are no longer available. My parents bought some aluminum lawn furniture with woven webbing. When they sold their house, they gave the furniture to us. The frames were bolted together, not riveted. The webbing was saran, not something that rots away after only one summer of sunshine. The set lasted over 20 years. Today, the only similar furniture is bought in the spring and trashed in the fall.

One of my favorite breakfast cereals is no longer stocked by any of the four major supermarket chains in my area, even though its still being manufactured. Although my doctor recommended it for soothing the itch of an insect bite, I can't find phenylated calamine lotion in any of three major drug store chains. My favorite local grocer no longer stocks grapefruit marmalade, calamari steaks, or plain uncooked wild rice.

Products seem to get fancier every year. But I don't want fancy. For example, for a recipe that involves cooking something with wild rice, I don't want fully-cooked wild rice, which would get over-cooked. And I don't want a mix of white, brown, and wild rice; the recipe calls for only wild rice. And I don't want flavored or seasoned wild rice; the recipe has its own seasonings. But the markets have fully-cooked, mixed, or seasoned wild rice; they don't have plain uncooked wild rice.

I don't want a barbecue big enough to cook dinner for 30 people; I want a barbecue to cook dinner for just my wife and me. And it doesn't need a burner built into a shelf; we have a nice gas range inside our kitchen. And I certainly don't want a barbecue on wheels attached to the permanent natural gas line that's adjacent to my patio. But barbecues are now sized to cook an entire side of beef while rolling across my back yard.

Every bell and whistle, every added processing and seasoning, every increase in size and complexity means that I have to pay for features I really don't want. (Attention Bill Gates: This applies to software, too.)

How come I see spam that says:

Loan request approved

but I never see spam that says:

Your loan application has been rejected

???

Each item with the © symbol is copyrighted by David Ross in the year indicated.
Each copyright applies to the item between full ruled lines.
For details about the rights I reserve, see my copyright page.

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David E. Ross